I know we’ve been talking about moving in together for the past 20 years or so, and we were really flattered when you said you would, but truthfully, we didn’t really think you’d be doing it. And now that you’ve given your thirty day notice and loaded up the U-Haul, there are a few things we need to get off our chests.
First of all, yes, we’ve been talking about a more serious relationship for a long time… but I don’t think it was any secret that we were talking to a lot of other teams, as well. And though we loved all the attention, the courting and the promises, you took us at face value and I don’t think we’re the type of partner you’re looking for.
To make things clearer let’s equate our relationship to a teen movie. We, Los Angeles, are the cool kids. We’re the cheerleaders and the jocks and we sit at the cool table.
And though in the real world you are a football team, in this scenario, you’re a member of the Chess club. You sit at the nerd table with the guys who play D&D on Friday nights. To make it even worse, you’re the new kid! And no offense to St. Louis, but you’re from St. Louis!
And even though in the movie version of our relationship, you hold a boombox over your head, play music outside our window at 5 in the morning and we end up together… in reality we’d call the private armed neighborhood security service we’ve contracted, have you arrested and file a restraining order later that morning. Please understand, we were nice to you only because we wanted your help with our algebra homework.
Don’t you see how we already treat our other sports teams? Have you seen all the empty seats at the Clippers and Laker games when they’re having even a merely mediocre season? Haven’t you noticed that the only time we talk about the Dodgers is when they’re in contention… and not until it’s September? And as for our hockey team… Well, whoever they are, we’re probably 10 times worse to them than how we treat the other guys.
Open your eyes. If we actually wanted to have a football team all this time, don’t you think we would have simply gotten one? Wouldn’t we have treated you better when we were together the first time? Just ask the Chargers and the Raiders — we’re the type who chews you up and spits you out.
And I really mean it when I say, “It’s not you, it’s us.” We’re simply not good for you.
Part of the LA identity is not having a football team. We love talking about having a football team, the way some people talk about one day losing ten pounds (without cosmetic surgery) — it’s something that we’ll do one day in the future. And now with you moving here, it’s like winning a goldfish at a carnival: It was cool for a few minutes, but now we have to take care of you, and we have a very busy schedule. We both know how this is going to end (and it involves a toilet bowl).
The reality is you’re moving in. We’ll clear out a dresser drawer and give you some space on the vanity, but remember, we’re known for having a wandering eye, so don’t be surprised when we start labeling our food in the fridge.
Oh, and “Welcome to Los Angeles!”